I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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