In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
