Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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