Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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