a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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