She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
