he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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