ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
