I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm really busy with my period
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