She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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