i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
