Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
