he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
