Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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