life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
