How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
