I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
