The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
