fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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