sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
