I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
