Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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