If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
where does the pee come out of this thing
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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