Taylor Swift is so right about you.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
