You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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