if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
