Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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