I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
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