Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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