He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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