So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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