I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
