Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So much rum. So many feels.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
