I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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