I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
