So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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