Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
