She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
