How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
