I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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