My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
