He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
