question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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