I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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