I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
