Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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