I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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