I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
