and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
