I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
